Shades of grey

No unfortunately this is not a post about SnM nor kinky sex. Rather, it's some thoughts on how as we grow and mature, black and white tends to morph into shades of grey.

When we were young, life was very simple. White is white and black is black. We see things in such absolutes because that was what we were taught. This is right, that is wrong. Don't question why, it just is. And being good little sheep that we were, those little nuggets were deeply ingrained in our subconsious. That simplifies life, makes things clear and everyone is happy. People can rely on their internal compass for "the right decision" and trust that they are doing the correct thing.

What happens then? When does the shift take place? Most of the time, when disaster strikes, we find ourselves examining our core values. We ask ourselves, we have done everything by the book. Why then, does catastrophe still strike? After one too many of such unexpected disasters, we either get jaded with life and reexamine our values, or we learn to accept the greyness of the world.

And as we mature, things lose their absoluteness. We learn to see the other perspective of the world. For example, when I was very young, I had arrogantly said that I would never be with someone who cheated on me! ... Fast forward to the first time I truly madly and deeply fell in love. Yes, I discovered he cheated on me, and we stayed together for another year after that. We didn't end up together, but I had managed to look past that and focussed on other things in order to maintain that relationship. Do i regret that? No. It was still a beautiful relationship we had despite all that, and I am appreciative I had that.

Good, bad, who knows? Is a saying of one of my favourite monks, Ajahn Brahm.  He tells a story of how this person that missed his flight was berating his taxi driver for being stupid, useless etc etc when he saw the plane burst into flames in front of his eyes. Yes, the flight he was supposed to be on at that very moment had the taxi driver not lost his way and made him late. Suddenly, it was "oh thank you very much, you're the best taxi driver ever! You've saved my life!!" 

Advance through RETREAT!

Being a buddhist all my life, I've always been interested in exploring the various themes and aspects of buddhism. I've read up on the suttas and theories, attended a good year of buddhist talks and sent boy to sunday school. What I've come to realise so far is when the going is good, we tend to not want to delve into spirituality. When times are hard, however, we seek solace in it.

I've been wanting to try a retreat in Perth at my favourite monk's monastery but have had no luck in booking one so far. So when I heard that he was scheduled to conduct a retreat in Genting this year I signed up for it without thinking much of what it would involve. Let's have a look and see what it involved.

My expectations

1. Meeting my favourite monk that gives funny talks

2. Beautiful meditations that will enable me to reach depths of jhanna ( mystical state of mind I've read about)

3. Some time alone to search my soul

4. Answer to some of my life's more pressing questions ( there would be couselling sessions where I'd pour out my life's grievances and problems and the monk will be able to give me the right answers- or at the very least validate my actions for me!)

5. A fabulous new experience ( I've never been to Genting before, and never attended a spiritual retreat before)


TA DA!! REALITY issss.....

1. Sitting still for hours feeling like a fraud trying to meditate - you find out you have the darnedest aches and pains in your back and neck

2. The accommodation is sparse. Well that was expected... but REALLY sparse.

3. There was a 1 to 1 interview 5 minute session. We were told to keep it short, simple and meditation practise related questions only! No personal issues, please!

4. Hourly blocks of meditation time for beginners are just hard. I found myself dreading meditation time

However... I did enjoy myself.

1. Being with a group of like minded people, even though I didn't know anyone when I went up, was really great! Everyone was friendly and didn't mind when you asked ridiculous questions about the practise.

2. The food was great! Not only because of the fact that it was vegan, but the realisation that we've been placing too much emphasis on the sourcing, preparing and the enjoyment of food. When it is seen as merely a sustenance tool, much importance is taken away from it.

3. What I went through was very normal for a beginner, as many of the experienced participants told me. My job is now to sustain a regular meditation routine back home after the retreat to see any real benefits

I am chuffed to have had my first retreat and will keep tabs on how it is affecting my life, post retreat.

Stay tuned.....

Skilled versus unskilled acts

Perhaps I should change the title of this blog to Buddhism and the single mom.

While I was listening to yet another talk the other day, Ajahn Brahm from Perth was explaining how Buddhism looks at acts not classifying them as good or bad, but skilled versus unskilled acts. When you look at religions across the board, a lot of the one god religions stress a lot on what is GOOD and what is EVIL. When you do GOOD ( I hope they actually list out what those acts include), you will be rewarded. Either now, or after your death, a higher power will check your report card and dish out rewards and punishments accordingly. I have never quite bought into that thinking. Where's the control? And as time goes by, the grey area between good and bad expands. Who is to tell me what is good? What is good for you might not be good for me!

Buddhism defines acts as skilled and unskilled due to the reaction that comes with the act. If you have performed an act that is skilled, the reaction that comes out will be favourable. If you like that, repeat that. If the result of that particular act is not what you want, the aftereffects will not be favourable. Don't repeat that. Doesn't that sound a lot more logical?

Another thing that comes with this classification of skilled and unskilled acts is to remove the bias of good and evil. We are all humans, none of us perfect yet. Buddhism strives to remove the guilt you get when you've done something 'bad'. (Bear in mind I am just talking about your day to day good or bad acts, nothing serious like peadophilia, rape, murder, etc etc). We are aware that we come into this world with a whole messed up ball of karma, both good and bad. We can't do anything about what had already happened in the past, but reflection helps. Feeling guilty and beating yourself up about bad decisions you have made will not benefit anyone. Instead, acknowledge what you have done may not have been the best, learn from it and do better in future. I find that utmost liberating in life.

I have made many mistakes in my life. I regret none of them. Each of them have taught me something new about myself or the world around me. It is not to say that I believe I'm living a great life without mistakes now, that is not the aim. I still go on benders sometimes, but at the very least I am conscious about what I am doing and fully prepared for whatever consequences that come along with them.

Gratitude

I was listening to a buddhist talk on my ipod the other day and I got this from it. We all have positive and negative elements in the unruly garden that is our mind. What thrives are mainly those items you have decided to isolate and focus on. He also goes on to say that there is a purpose for everything. As unpleasant and noxious manure is, when used correctly it will fertilise your fruit trees so that you get sweeter fruits from it.

Using what this monk has said and bringing that into our lives makes it easier to bear any difficult situation we are faced with. Life is such that nothing is guaranteed. Well, except death and taxes, that much we are sure of. You think that money will bring you happiness? Well guess what, no amount of Hermes bags or Ferraris will lure you out of your depression after a while. You think that being half of a couple will bring you happiness? LOL just ask anyone who's been married for 10 years or more. Having to adjust to someone else's foibles are usually more annoying than not.

There are problems that reach across the demographics. Everyone from all walks of life can and will find something to be unhappy about if they search hard enough. Bad things happen to good people and vice versa. Instead of questioning what the higher authority is doing or what happened to karma, we will do best to tackle the problem and move ahead in life. Before tackling them, first explore what the positives are in any situation. The way to do that is to be grateful.

Gratitude is an amazing part of life. When we start to be thankful about what we have and learn how to be content with it, life grows beautiful. It's never about how much you have, but how much you enjoy what you have that matters.

Let's count my blessings. Today I am thankful because

1. It's raining. The air smells great and it cools everything right down.

2. I have a cosy little abode that I am living in with my son. It's small, but it's me.

3. My friends that reach out to me from all over the world, constantly cheering me onwards and upwards. I love you peeps.

4. The amazing places that I've had the pleasure to visit and hopefully, many more to go.

5. The gastronomic delights I've indulged in, both high and low end. I love a roadside mamak stall as much as I do a 12 course fine dining lunch way across the world.

6. My 9yo son is happy, healthy and growing like a weed. He can be annoying sometimes, but that's part and parcel of parenthood. It's all good.

7. My health and disposition. I try to grow that by working out constantly and eating healthy. I'm a stickler for good food, be it bought or home cooked... more about that later...



What are you grateful for today?