Shades of grey

No unfortunately this is not a post about SnM nor kinky sex. Rather, it's some thoughts on how as we grow and mature, black and white tends to morph into shades of grey.

When we were young, life was very simple. White is white and black is black. We see things in such absolutes because that was what we were taught. This is right, that is wrong. Don't question why, it just is. And being good little sheep that we were, those little nuggets were deeply ingrained in our subconsious. That simplifies life, makes things clear and everyone is happy. People can rely on their internal compass for "the right decision" and trust that they are doing the correct thing.

What happens then? When does the shift take place? Most of the time, when disaster strikes, we find ourselves examining our core values. We ask ourselves, we have done everything by the book. Why then, does catastrophe still strike? After one too many of such unexpected disasters, we either get jaded with life and reexamine our values, or we learn to accept the greyness of the world.

And as we mature, things lose their absoluteness. We learn to see the other perspective of the world. For example, when I was very young, I had arrogantly said that I would never be with someone who cheated on me! ... Fast forward to the first time I truly madly and deeply fell in love. Yes, I discovered he cheated on me, and we stayed together for another year after that. We didn't end up together, but I had managed to look past that and focussed on other things in order to maintain that relationship. Do i regret that? No. It was still a beautiful relationship we had despite all that, and I am appreciative I had that.

Good, bad, who knows? Is a saying of one of my favourite monks, Ajahn Brahm.  He tells a story of how this person that missed his flight was berating his taxi driver for being stupid, useless etc etc when he saw the plane burst into flames in front of his eyes. Yes, the flight he was supposed to be on at that very moment had the taxi driver not lost his way and made him late. Suddenly, it was "oh thank you very much, you're the best taxi driver ever! You've saved my life!!" 

My thoughts on relationships

What are we all searching for anyway?

At this stage in my life, I honestly don't know. Experiences? Physical only or falling in love? The whole shebang? Over the past 8 months I know I have had no headspace to even consider dating. Not that I was beating anyone off with a stick, but I just had too many things on my plate to sort out and I wasn't in a good frame of mind.

Fast forward to now, happily settled in my own little abode, I believe I have a bit of headspace to consider that it might be nice to start dating again. I've been so out of touch with the dating world for the last I don't know how many years. I don't even know what is de rigeur anymore.

You know what, I'm not going to overthink this. Forget it. Buddhism teaches me to only make a positive influence in the life of every being I come across. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, or if the other person has issues. What is important is I can give. I will endeavour to leave a spark in the life of everyone I come across.  Life goes on... fabulously. If anyone wants to join me on my journey, then I'll worry about it. Until then, to steal a line from Kimora Lee ... live a life of fabulosity! Doesn't matter if you are single or attached, you ARE fabulous!

A relationship list

Relationships...

I had a recent encounter lately that got me thinking about how I view relationships and how different it is from your regular single person.

Obviously being a divorced mom gives you different insights into the whole relationship thing.
a. We've been there and done that.. there's no rush
b. We've been in pain before... we realise that no relationship is preferable to being in a screwy one.
c. My child is an absolute in my life. If you have an issue with it, its YOUR issue. Deal with it
d. It's nice to be able to sit back and chill for a while whilst someone else takes the reins for a while.
e. That said, when we accept you as one of our own, we will fight tooth and nail for you against the world.
f. Being a divorced mom doesn't mean I'm ready to jump anything that's male or married. We still have standards you know.
g. We don't like to play games. We don't have the time!! Call a spade a spade and if you're interested, good. If not, so be it. Don't waste my time, yeah?

All that said.. at the end of the day I still keep the hope that one day I will meet someone nice enough to let into my life. But before that, I'm making darned sure I can still enjoy every single bit of my life, every day, every moment.