Silver lining

And every so often, life gives us a break and reminds us how gratifying it is to be a parent. I've had one of the better nights with boy I haven't had for a long while. With the ending of school holidays and the starting of school, it's been a tad rocky.

Boy has in the last two days decided to learn how to cook. Nothing too fancy, just eggs. I was just wondering when the culinary bug would hit him and it has. I'm so proud to raise a budding gourmand. I'm still not allowed to watch him cook, but he does allow the helper to assist. Tonight he made scrambled eggs, pretty impressive ones too.

What I actually wanted to blog about tonight was when we watched an episode of Desperate Housewives where Lynette had separated from Tom and was having a hard time dealing with his new girlfriend. She was advised to play dirty and went on to influence her daughter against daddy's new girlfriend. I looked at Marcus and said, aren't you glad you are not subject to that? What really amazed me was what he picked up from that. He pointed out accurately the sly and snide facial expressions Lynette had when she was unduely influencing her daughter. I thought that was spot on and pretty cool. I mean, dealing with the fact that your ex has moved on with a new partner is never easy, and I can feel Lynette in here. Luckily she realises in the end that's not what she wanted to put her daughter through and came clean with her.

Boy also went on eventually to crack really adult insights and wound up the night by singing to me Josh Groban's song.. you raise me up... I was utterly shocked. Of course he did not mean that I had raised him up to great levels, more like don't complain about me, you raised me up to be like this.. See, this is what I love about him, he's got such a caustic wit.

Nights like these makes all the rest worthwhile... *content*

Alpha vs beta moms

Ever since Amy Chua came out with her book, Battle hymn of the tiger mother, there has been an emergence of press coverage on the practise. Self professed tiger moms came out and proudly proclaimed on magazines and newspapers on how they insist on regimented routines to push darling Watson or Marylynn onto the fast track route of life success.

That is what alpha parenting is all about. Hothousing your offspring to ensure success in life. Ensuring your child gets into the best schools, have the best tutors, take the extra curricular activities aimed to increase chances at a scholarship or entrance at the best schools or universities. Alpha parents look at their children as an extension of themselves. Other times, it could mean that parenting is my job, therefore the success of my kids means I am doing well in my job. 

What then does a successful offspring mean to you? A 6 figure paycheck? An ever increasingly important role at work? Press coverage? What else? All your hopes and aims affect your children. Check with any psychiatrist and mental health publications or at the very least, discipline masters in schools. Children nowadays are more stressed and are ill equipped to handle it. Disrespect, angst and depression if left unchecked have serious consequences and will only have a downward spiralling effect. On the other end of the scale, there are parents too busy earning money to buy the latest toy or to fund this year's vacation to actually parent. By being so busy and nary having time to be a family, what does this mean for the future generation? 

Previously, tiger parenting can practically be equated to Asian parenting. If you were Asian, you expect that from your parents. Academic success was a must have for them to bandy around with relatives and friends. Piano playing skills were de rigueur and additional languages and skills were a bonus. Parenting wasn't something that was prioritized during those times. Most parents were busy making money and we were pretty much left to our own devices.  But to be fair, life was relatively uncomplicated then compared to present day.

Fast forward to today where the information and opinion avalanche begins as soon as you confirm your pregnancy. Never has there been as much books, articles and opinions bandied about as to the best way to parent. From prenatal education to the multivitamins you had to swallow, everything was angled to give your bub the best chances at this world. 

I am not an alpha mom.

There are certain things I expect from my child. Once those are fulfilled, I'm good. Childhood is a time for them to enjoy themselves, be bored and invent games for themselves to play. I bring boy for extra tuition for certain subjects I refuse to teach. He is actually very independent in his studies, I must say. Once his grades are up to mark, I pretty much let him be. We allow ipad and tv time on weekends. Weekdays are filled with reading, drawing and writing. I love travelling as an education. I have been travelling with my boy since he was 4 months old. Exposing him to other places, cultures and food works to produce a well rounded person. 

My friends and I have varying opinions as to what constitutes the best practise. I firmly believe that parenting is very personal and you just need to find out what works for you. I have friends who believe in enrolling their child in every available class because he or she needs that push. There are also those that expect their hired help to be the parent when they are out working. Fine, that's great if that works for you and your child. I personally believe in being a beta mom. It removes the pressure  and you can enjoy the process of parenting. 

an open letter to other parents

Dear other single parents,


How do you parent? Do you flit between being both mother and father? Are you at your wits end when society doesn't hesitate to tell you that you do not fit into their normal 2.5 kids, nuclear family setup that they try to propagate everywhere? Do you find yourself overcompensating by bending over backwards and allowing things you wouldn't usually because of naysayers and "well meaning"perpetrators who tell you that you need to give the poor kid a break because you know, he or she is from a broken family?

I say, enough with all that crap. Seriously. I'm aware that every single parent has their own story to tell, some more drastic than others. Moving on, how do we bridge that gaping wound that life has left on us to move on as functional, even fantastic parents?

First, ignore everything that "society" has to say. Who the hell came up with the 2.5 kids nuclear family setup anyway? I have known enough dysfunctional relationships and families to know that it may not necessarily be the best setup.

Be brave. Trailblaze. You were obviously brave enough or circumstances made it so that you exited that marriage or relationship knowing that anything would have been better than staying in. Take some of that courage and apply it to parenting. You are the parent. You define what is best for your child and you. Have confidence in that and know that they are getting the best they can from your setup. The last thing you need is any trace of self doubt because your kid and of course "society" zooms right into that and you're toast before you know it.

If you can, get help. Domestic or otherwise. It's not that you are unable or unskilled for domestic chores, but having that all done will clear your schedule enough to focus on what is important. Yourself and your child. Do some minimal stuff so that your child will learn to as well.

Have a system in your life. The sooner you set up structures, the sooner things can go smooth and you don't need to pull your hair out as often. Have routines and rhythms for afterschool, weekends, anything and EVERYTHING. I'm saying this because I'm really particular about organising things, but hey, try it. It works. And the best thing is? You don't become bogey - parent anymore. Everyone agreed to the structure, so just follow it. Anyone who's yelled at their kids to hurry the hell up for the umpteenth time while they are daydreaming away will relate to this.

Have fun. Like it or not, you are obviously stuck with the necessary stuff like doctors visits, school runs, tuitions, games, DISCIPLINING, etc etc. Don't end up the resentful, boring parent. Make it a point to enjoy outings, trips and just fun times with your kid. Yes, they are essential. They won't remember the thousands of times you drove them to tuition, but dancing in the rain, colouring with crayons and story telling they will. Make it a part of your family.

How do you parent? Share some thoughts.

Children from divorced families mature faster than average

Without the completeness of both a father and a mother around, most children tend to step up and fill the absent parent's role in the family. Now, I am no family psychologist nor have there been exhaustive research done on this, but it's just what I have observed in families around me. 

My son fulfils my need for affection and love very well. He senses that we are somehow different from other families but I would like to think that since the divorce happened when he was a babe in arms, he has not been too deeply traumatised. Seriously, better this than his earliest memories being mom and dad yelling at each other all the time. He never shies away from a hug or a kiss, he's more than willing to cuddle up next to me to watch tv. In fact, with him around, I feel complete. Obviously he comes up with gems sometimes that I just need to post... 

We were in a changing room last week and I was doing the saturday night fever dance. He rolls his eyes, looks at me and says, mom, you know that this changing room is semi transparent right? People can sorta see you dancing from out there. Hahahahaha... I thought that was really cool coming from a 9 year old. Maybe I'm the one that's regressing to childhood here, but he seems more adult by the day. I miss my little baby.

In contrast, I look at his friends, and even my nephews and they seem so kiddish. Now I can start doubting myself and wonder if I'm depriving him of a proper stressfree childhood, but neh... No thanks to that. I say we just chose the path less travelled, and we're having a hell of a great time skipping and prancing down it. 

Fabulosity indeed.

Thoughts on single parenting

Parenting...

I look at my son and I don't feel the least like I've deprived him of a solid nuclear family. I believe that its best this way, with no acrimony between his parents. I've strived to give him the best I can all these years and I think he is doing just fine. I've never raised him to feel like we are broken, or inadequate in any way. We have lived fabulously so far, and intend to continue doing so.

On another note, isn't it amazing how anal you can get as a first time mom? Heaven's sake I remember being obsessed to the point of cooking every meal that he had, spending ALL my time with him, being really particular about what I read to him, what he wore etc etc. Thank god I've relaxed since then. It's way better being a beta mom instead of an alpha. I think you can get away with being an alpha mom when there's a hubby to play good cop, bad cop with. With me alone? I'm gonna seem bipolar man!

That said.. we never know if 30 years down the road he's going to be sitting in a psychiatrist office and go.. if only i wasn't from a broken family... LOL