Alpha vs beta moms

Ever since Amy Chua came out with her book, Battle hymn of the tiger mother, there has been an emergence of press coverage on the practise. Self professed tiger moms came out and proudly proclaimed on magazines and newspapers on how they insist on regimented routines to push darling Watson or Marylynn onto the fast track route of life success.

That is what alpha parenting is all about. Hothousing your offspring to ensure success in life. Ensuring your child gets into the best schools, have the best tutors, take the extra curricular activities aimed to increase chances at a scholarship or entrance at the best schools or universities. Alpha parents look at their children as an extension of themselves. Other times, it could mean that parenting is my job, therefore the success of my kids means I am doing well in my job. 

What then does a successful offspring mean to you? A 6 figure paycheck? An ever increasingly important role at work? Press coverage? What else? All your hopes and aims affect your children. Check with any psychiatrist and mental health publications or at the very least, discipline masters in schools. Children nowadays are more stressed and are ill equipped to handle it. Disrespect, angst and depression if left unchecked have serious consequences and will only have a downward spiralling effect. On the other end of the scale, there are parents too busy earning money to buy the latest toy or to fund this year's vacation to actually parent. By being so busy and nary having time to be a family, what does this mean for the future generation? 

Previously, tiger parenting can practically be equated to Asian parenting. If you were Asian, you expect that from your parents. Academic success was a must have for them to bandy around with relatives and friends. Piano playing skills were de rigueur and additional languages and skills were a bonus. Parenting wasn't something that was prioritized during those times. Most parents were busy making money and we were pretty much left to our own devices.  But to be fair, life was relatively uncomplicated then compared to present day.

Fast forward to today where the information and opinion avalanche begins as soon as you confirm your pregnancy. Never has there been as much books, articles and opinions bandied about as to the best way to parent. From prenatal education to the multivitamins you had to swallow, everything was angled to give your bub the best chances at this world. 

I am not an alpha mom.

There are certain things I expect from my child. Once those are fulfilled, I'm good. Childhood is a time for them to enjoy themselves, be bored and invent games for themselves to play. I bring boy for extra tuition for certain subjects I refuse to teach. He is actually very independent in his studies, I must say. Once his grades are up to mark, I pretty much let him be. We allow ipad and tv time on weekends. Weekdays are filled with reading, drawing and writing. I love travelling as an education. I have been travelling with my boy since he was 4 months old. Exposing him to other places, cultures and food works to produce a well rounded person. 

My friends and I have varying opinions as to what constitutes the best practise. I firmly believe that parenting is very personal and you just need to find out what works for you. I have friends who believe in enrolling their child in every available class because he or she needs that push. There are also those that expect their hired help to be the parent when they are out working. Fine, that's great if that works for you and your child. I personally believe in being a beta mom. It removes the pressure  and you can enjoy the process of parenting. 

Brunch food

It's Sunday! Sunday brings along a host of feelings, mainly negative ones and intensifying as the day wears on with the dreaded Monday blues sometimes working overtime and checking in on Sunday nights too. Let's counter the shift with some positive influences. Brunch!

Weekends are mainly the point where most working people look forward to when they are allocated the much awaited sleep in and then hunt for a nice place to brunch at. Parents excepted of course. The driving around for tuitions and weekend activities usually precede the plans you have for the aforementioned joy.

 Let's see some of the notable brunches accumulated from here, there and everywhere. This is a ham and cheese croissant from a cafe in King Street, Perth. Super flaky pastry and fragrant grilled cheese makes this a light(ish) breakfast to have. This is boy's breakfast of choice whenever we are in western countries.

Unfortunately we haven't found anything decent in KL so far where this is concerned.

 Caffeine is a must have in the morning. Take your pick of lattes, cappuccinos, long blacks, flat whites or good old Kopi! I always believe in indulging where the drink is best known for, so when I'm in Ipoh, it's always hot KOPI, with less condensed milk. Ipoh has a particular brand of coffee beans roasted with white sugar, thus the specialty of white kopi you get in the coffeeshops there are unique to Ipoh. This picture however is more like what I drink these days because of my location now. Invested in a nespresso machine and I'm happy with my lattes and cappucinos at home.

 This breakfast brings back memories of sunday brunches when I was a child and my grandmother used to prepare this. I save it for a treat these days.  Crispy luncheon meat slices, baked beans with eggs and toast. There is usually a fried egg sunny side up as well. I must have been feeling lazy that day.

Breakfast of the champions!

This is my breakfast of choice when I am in Ipoh. Chu cheong fun with curry and deep fried turnip fritters (sar kot). This combination of crispy, spicy, salty and sweet hits the spot every single time. Horribly sinful though, I don't even want to think of the calories this plate of yum contains.

This is a favourite. A huge plate of char cheong meen you can get in almost any noodle shop in Hong Kong. Love the meat strips sauteed in bean sauce over the springy wanton noodles! A side of additional wantons in soup completes the meal. If i recall correctly this was from Mak's Noodles at Wellington St, HK.

"Corn fritters" served with crispy bacon and a side of salad. That looks like a pancake no matter how you slice it huh? I've been meaning to give that cafe a second chance, but haven't gotten around to it. It's a certain australian cafe that's in Bangsar. Packed to the rafters with customers, I did not find it particularly spectacular.

Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon. Again, the bread were supposed to be french toast but what came out obviously wasn't. The bread was thin and small. Maybe they are trying to cater to the appetites of the weight conscious, but I did not find this of good value at all. This was at a cafe near my place. Again, still need to give them another chance where food is concerned.

Lastly, a good local favourite that both boy and myself enjoy. Crispy, light, probably super unhealthy, but what the heck, you only live once. Tosai and roti canai, courtesy of your neighbourhood mamak shop! Bon appetito and have a great Sunday!

Life purpose

What are we doing here on earth? Is it simply a series of seemingly serendipitous events or is it totally random? Do we all eventually get to perform what we were meant to do? Or is everything a blank sheet of paper and we define what we want in our lives and go out there to get it? How much control do we have?

I have been talking to a number of people lately and a common theme that has cropped up is life purpose. What are we placed on this earth to do?

Religious ones have it easy because they already believe that they are put here to do god's bidding, or to reap the karmic seeds sown in the past. What about the rest?

There are a small number of people who grow up already knowing what they want to do, usually having experienced something profound in their youth. Most of these people would have very influential parents or familiar figures around to impact them with that much force. I believe this number represents only a minority of people. Majority of people fall into their life purpose much later in life, after trying out several paths that appeal to them.

So what then, do we do when we are sitting here, staring out into the bright stars in the sky wondering if we are on the right path? Try these.

a. Explore. Find time to talk to people from all walks of life and across industries to find out what appeals to you. There will be certain things that you will gravitate towards. Note what these are.

b. Review your skills and training, what you have been educated in so far. Education takes on many guises. Consider both formal and informal education. The summer you spent waiting tables on holiday may bring about skills in allocating workshifts to staff, handling customer complaints and how to serve customers or cashiering.

c. Work out a match of both interests and skills and match that to market demands. It doesn't matter how highly skilled you are and how passionate you are about a certain topic, if the market does not require your skills, it amounts to nothing. Or you may need to change your living environment.

d. Be constantly networking. Most great jobs never appear in the classifieds. To be a mover and shaker in your industry, you need to have your finger on the pulse. In order to spot the next trend and pioneer, you need to have wide ranging networks to bring to you information from all levels. So, if you are not already networking hard, start doing so.

These steps will help assist you in getting some clarity in what you want from life. There will eventually be a point whereby you will just know if it's right for you. Good luck getting there.

Adrenaline high!!!

I love exercise!!! I do I do and I do!!

It's a huge pillar of support in my life and I recommend everyone to work out their own fitness plan and stick with it! Regular exercising has SO much benefits, at the very least you get this beautiful endorphin rush after sweating it out and working out a storm. Endorphins are hormones your brain produces to get you that "happy" feeling. It is the same kind of feeling drug addicts chase, new couples have and new mothers produce when they see their babies. You feel invincible and on top of the world. With exercise, it is probably the healthiest way to obtain this hormone. Oh, consuming chocolate also produces this.

When you eat right and exercise regularly, most people will enjoy

a. Less aches and pains. You know what I'm talking about. All those years prancing around in those?
Yup, they take a toll on your poor lower back. Pregnancy too. Funnily enough, I used to have knee problems climbing stairs. Ever since I started working out regularly, it went off.


b. A fitter, trimmer body that you are proud of. 6 packs or not, your body can only benefit from the strength training and cardio workouts you constantly do. After a while, you can wear clothes you used to shy away from because the flabby arms and saggy ass firms up and you can wave goodbye without it trembling nonstop! Your arms that is. If your ass trembles when you wave goodbye, I'd say you've got bigger problems there... hehe

c. You can enjoy your food and do not need to look for weird diets that promise the world and usually do not work. Some of those that have been bandied around... no this and no that, I think even if it works you have no idea what it's done to you internally. Trust yourself, not so whatever studies the papers decide to publish on that given day. We have seen how coffee is SO bad for you one day, then a total turnaround by saying it's got anti cancer benefits the next. It all depends on whomever is funding the studies, doesn't it? Bah humbug! Eat right and eat well.

d. It's no guarantee that you won't drop dead of a heart attack before your expiry date. I hear people talking about so and so they knew who lived so healthily and yet still died of a heart attack or a stroke you know. But all things considered, it is still your best bet. The benefits of living healthily will put the life into your years. Remember, its not the years you have in your life, but the life you have in them! What is the point of living to a hundred if you can't eat what you want, you can't travel because you can't walk long distances, you can't physically enjoy time with your loved ones?

Life is too short to be otherwise.

a rant - are there no boundaries anymore?

Please be prewarned - this is a rant. Do not read if you are faint of heart, or sensitive in nature.

I was thinking back at my post on etiquette towards single parents when these two days I came across a couple of people who indeed have no clue. People, did you not learn about boundaries when you were young? What you can talk about and what you can't. Or am I being oversensitive as a single mom? Please tell me.

I have a friend who has makes suggestive comments to me even AFTER I tell him clearly and plainly that even though there are NO men left on this earth, chances are higher that I will become a nun than be with you. Yes we are friends, yes we do talk about all types of nonsense under the sun, but there are things you don't go into if you want to remain friends. Or am I the only one that feels this way and I should be on my knees very grateful that I still warrant any type of male attention, no matter how unwanted?

I had another friend recently which I have not spoken to for a long while, and the conversation goes like this.. yes yes we must catch up, it's been years... by the way, does your ex husband pay child support? Seriously? Do you go around asking your married friends how much their husbands pay them every month for household bills and frivolities? If so, then I guess you must be very close to them. If not, what makes you think it's OK to ask me about these things? It's just like the other dude who casually asked, oh, doesn't your husband want custody of your son? WTF? By the way, your brain called, it wants your mouth back, it's been running away too far without a connection( to your brain)

Enough about that... its really not improving my mood dwelling on it... deeeeep breaths... quick, where's the link to the buddhist talks again?

A very prawny post

I've always liked Penang prawn noodles. I've found the best so far to be in a little corner coffee shop in PJ that offers mainly penang hawker food. The prawn noodles there are to die for but for the sake of my cholesterol levels and also since parking is a hassle, I try to limit it to once or twice in a month. Check this bowl of beauty out.

It's a notch above what you get in Penang because nowadays a bowl of noodles in Penang is but snack sized and the prawns? Calling them shrimps will be an exaggeration because they take the shrimps and slice them further into wafer thin slices. Talk about knife skills!

Thus nowadays I don't bother to have to travel up north anymore for my prawn noodles because everyone I've brought to sample this dish  agrees it is just as good. Heartier, in fact.

Here are some other excellent prawn dishes I've had over the years.  This here is a simple dish of "bak cheok har" which simply means blanched prawns that are served with a heavenly dipping sauce. The prawns are so fresh and sweet that you need nary anything else in the broth while cooking. The best version I've had of this dish is from Guangzhou, China which is great for these food, but not my favourite city in the world.



There one here is simply panfried and served with a twist of lemon on the side. This I had in a tapas bar in Barcelona. The prawn flavour was very intense and sweet. Boy, I really do need to check my cholesterol levels soon. But then again I suppose when you are having food in a tapas bar in Barcelona, the atmosphere alone adds to the quality of the food? Not true, we had some lemons there as well. This though, was remarkable. I wonder if they were carabineros..

This little dish held some gems of peeled shrimps sizzling in olive oil with some garlic slices and dried chillies and a sprig of rosemary. It was divine! Boy could not get enough of it and insisted we return for seconds the next night! What can I say, if you strike gold you strike gold. The tapas places that serve decent food are usually decent across board. This was in a little tapas place in Born, Barcelona.


And finally, this was a dish we had at El Cellar di San Roca, voted one of the best restaurants in the world by San Pellegrino. It was an interesting dish to experience. We were told that everything on this plate is edible. So from the white powder was some dehydrated prawn dust and hang on, let me get you the proper name from the menu. Ok here we go - A whole king prawn - chargrilled king prawn, king prawn sand, ink rocks, fried legs, head juice and king prawn essence. A little too molecularly gastronomic for my liking, but it was an experience.

The reason I decided to come up with this prawny post was because I wanted to make spaghetti marinara tonight and so bought a kilo of fresh prawns from the market. After shelling and heading them, I decided to make a concentrated prawn stock to add to my pasta tonight... Will let you know how that turns out...

An overview of my food experience

Foooooooooood.

There are those that eat to live and others that live to eat. No prizes guessing which category yours truly falls under. I'm an Ipoh girl. We Ipohites know good food, having grown up surrounded by fresh produce, good and cheap hawker food. We know our silky smooth flat rice noodles, our crunchy fat beansprouts, our white kopi, bakuteh, toast with kaya, roast pig, curry noodles, popiah, wow... need I go on? I grew up eating my grandmother's cooking. Grandma was from Dongguan, China and boy was her cooking to die for. She used to steam, braise and stew to her heart's delight and I grew up appreciating good food.


When I went abroad to study in Perth, Australia, I had to learn how to cook simple and very basic meals. Dad would always tell me to don't skimp on food, go out and have a nice steak once in a while. And at that point in time I stayed off beef. I know, big mistake for that time period, right?  It was so good and fresh and affordable!! I stayed off beef for a good 20 years because I mistakenly thought I did not like the smell of it. I've started eating it again in 09 and I do enjoy a good steak once in a while now. Anyway, being in Perth in the late nineties meant eating out was great and affordable, even for a student.




After I graduated I started going into fine dining, appreciating great food and willing to travel great distances to hunt for good food. That went on for a couple of years until I had my son. Even then, as soon as he was old enough I'd bring him along on our foodie trips, trying restaurant after restaurant at whichever destination we went to.  My favourite foodie destinations are still Japan, Hong Kong and Australia. Oooooh I forgot, Spain too!

I still believe in good food, great fresh produce with minimal of fast food, preservatives and colouring. The difference is now that I'm in KL, the choices for dining are not that fantastic. Call me an Ipoh snob, but really, there's nothing much to shout about. I like some of the hawker food choices in here, and some Japanese and Korean restaurants but when it comes to western food... I'd rather cook these days.

Sadness

As I am writing this, scores of people in a certain part of America are trying to come to terms with the senseless violence that have rocked their world. I heard the news in the morning, and proceeded to intensify my sadness by watching a movie entitled "We have to talk about Kevin". This movie is based on a story book by Lionel Shriver about a mom trying to come to terms with her son becoming a serial killer.

Not the best choice of movies I know, but since I enjoyed the book immensely, I thought I'd give the movie a try. What can I say, I'm still depressed now. I have not been able to shake it off since this afternoon so let's sit with it for a while and explore sadness.

Why do we become sad? Sadness is but one feeling amongst a score of others like exhilaration, guilt, boredom and stress. What causes sadness and how do we deal with it? What steps when taken, will eradicate sadness from our lives?

Sadness can come from unrealistic expectations. That leads to unfulfilled dreams and after much futile efforts and wasted energy expanded on trying to accomplish the goal, we humans become disappointed and sad.

Sadness can also come from broken relationships, dysfunctional families and as seen in the movie I saw today, failed parenting. Oh, trust me, the movie was dark. I recommend it to everyone who intends to be a parent. Might be more effective than certain contraceptives.

So from the couple of causes that I have outlined, what then do we do about it? If the cause is unrealistic expectations, adjust your expectations. Go for small wins and break your goals down to biteable parts. That should help fend some of that off. If sadness comes from broken relationships and dysfunctional families, then what? Spend some time understanding and exploring it. Stay on your own for a while. Learn to love yourself first before expanding and offering that to anyone else. That applies to both partners and families.

And finally, accept that sadness, like its brothers the other feelings is just that. It is a feeling and we will come across it every now and then. Sit with it, acknowledge its presence and be with it until it is ready to pass. For with everything else, all other feelings both good and bad, this too, shall pass.

Skilled versus unskilled acts

Perhaps I should change the title of this blog to Buddhism and the single mom.

While I was listening to yet another talk the other day, Ajahn Brahm from Perth was explaining how Buddhism looks at acts not classifying them as good or bad, but skilled versus unskilled acts. When you look at religions across the board, a lot of the one god religions stress a lot on what is GOOD and what is EVIL. When you do GOOD ( I hope they actually list out what those acts include), you will be rewarded. Either now, or after your death, a higher power will check your report card and dish out rewards and punishments accordingly. I have never quite bought into that thinking. Where's the control? And as time goes by, the grey area between good and bad expands. Who is to tell me what is good? What is good for you might not be good for me!

Buddhism defines acts as skilled and unskilled due to the reaction that comes with the act. If you have performed an act that is skilled, the reaction that comes out will be favourable. If you like that, repeat that. If the result of that particular act is not what you want, the aftereffects will not be favourable. Don't repeat that. Doesn't that sound a lot more logical?

Another thing that comes with this classification of skilled and unskilled acts is to remove the bias of good and evil. We are all humans, none of us perfect yet. Buddhism strives to remove the guilt you get when you've done something 'bad'. (Bear in mind I am just talking about your day to day good or bad acts, nothing serious like peadophilia, rape, murder, etc etc). We are aware that we come into this world with a whole messed up ball of karma, both good and bad. We can't do anything about what had already happened in the past, but reflection helps. Feeling guilty and beating yourself up about bad decisions you have made will not benefit anyone. Instead, acknowledge what you have done may not have been the best, learn from it and do better in future. I find that utmost liberating in life.

I have made many mistakes in my life. I regret none of them. Each of them have taught me something new about myself or the world around me. It is not to say that I believe I'm living a great life without mistakes now, that is not the aim. I still go on benders sometimes, but at the very least I am conscious about what I am doing and fully prepared for whatever consequences that come along with them.

A little chat on fitness

What is your idea of fitness?

I've lived most of my life in a state of inactivity. Having been blessed with a skinny gene (both my parents are skinny), I've never been interested in working out. Sweat? Work out? What's wrong with you? I can fit in my clothes thank you very much. My best friend used to come to my house to drag me out to exercise - I never once went. Hehe. I remember once trying out a gym and getting told by the woman in the next treadmill, why are you here honey? Go home and eat some cakes!!  I've always controlled my size with my eating. When I want to lose some weight, I simply eat less. I was one of those annoying pregnant women who do not look very pregnant, just a neat bump in front.

Enter parenthood.

Yeah yeah, pregnancy was fair enough, with my gynae telling me to keep the weight gain to 4 pounds per month. He would actually tell me off it I put on any more than 4. He explained that my body frame isn't large, so it would not be a good idea to have a large baby to deliver. I thought it was logical enough, so I did as he told me.

I lost all my pregnancy weight when my son was 6 months old. I remember having to buy size 6 jeans, which I could never fit into before, and never again since. I went on happily inactive until I had to play and dance alongside my baby in kindermusik classes. I actually put my back out leaping like a frog. That was my realisation that I had to do something if I wanted to remain healthy and around for my son.

I joined a gym soon after. I did mainly weight training with a personal trainer 3 times a week, but was still neither here nor there because the trainer allowed me to get away with a lot of nonsense.

Fast forward to this year, after moving down to KL I had to find some support pillars. More on that in another post, but fitness is one of them.

I am now heading to the gym 5 times a week for various classes and it serves my purpose. TRX is my new best friend. It sculpts your body like you wouldn't believe! I believe I'm the fittest I've ever been in my life.. it's good to be able to feel this way, isn't it? I got a little crazy at the start but I think now I've mellowed down and am taking it easy, enjoying the process rather than the result. I think of it as preparing for a marathon instead of a sprint. If you do too much too soon and push yourself to the edge, you are going to burn out. Chances of you stopping and never continuing is too great because of the all or nothing mentality. Sidebar - another benefit of this support pillar is that I've met a like minded group of people that I can hang out with. That's great, considering I didn't have that big a network when I decided to move to this place.

Contrast that with enjoying whatever number of times you have allocated to work out a week, resting or skipping a day when you feel like it and knowing you can get back with a fresh body. That somehow makes you stronger after a couple of days of rest, you know?

Buddha preached the middle way, and that's what I'm doing with my fitness. What about you? What is your story with fitness?

Gratitude

I was listening to a buddhist talk on my ipod the other day and I got this from it. We all have positive and negative elements in the unruly garden that is our mind. What thrives are mainly those items you have decided to isolate and focus on. He also goes on to say that there is a purpose for everything. As unpleasant and noxious manure is, when used correctly it will fertilise your fruit trees so that you get sweeter fruits from it.

Using what this monk has said and bringing that into our lives makes it easier to bear any difficult situation we are faced with. Life is such that nothing is guaranteed. Well, except death and taxes, that much we are sure of. You think that money will bring you happiness? Well guess what, no amount of Hermes bags or Ferraris will lure you out of your depression after a while. You think that being half of a couple will bring you happiness? LOL just ask anyone who's been married for 10 years or more. Having to adjust to someone else's foibles are usually more annoying than not.

There are problems that reach across the demographics. Everyone from all walks of life can and will find something to be unhappy about if they search hard enough. Bad things happen to good people and vice versa. Instead of questioning what the higher authority is doing or what happened to karma, we will do best to tackle the problem and move ahead in life. Before tackling them, first explore what the positives are in any situation. The way to do that is to be grateful.

Gratitude is an amazing part of life. When we start to be thankful about what we have and learn how to be content with it, life grows beautiful. It's never about how much you have, but how much you enjoy what you have that matters.

Let's count my blessings. Today I am thankful because

1. It's raining. The air smells great and it cools everything right down.

2. I have a cosy little abode that I am living in with my son. It's small, but it's me.

3. My friends that reach out to me from all over the world, constantly cheering me onwards and upwards. I love you peeps.

4. The amazing places that I've had the pleasure to visit and hopefully, many more to go.

5. The gastronomic delights I've indulged in, both high and low end. I love a roadside mamak stall as much as I do a 12 course fine dining lunch way across the world.

6. My 9yo son is happy, healthy and growing like a weed. He can be annoying sometimes, but that's part and parcel of parenthood. It's all good.

7. My health and disposition. I try to grow that by working out constantly and eating healthy. I'm a stickler for good food, be it bought or home cooked... more about that later...



What are you grateful for today?

Etiquette with a single parent ( Or how not to get your head bitten off while communicating with one)

Dear all,

Do you have a friend that's a new single parent? A relative or a sibling? You feel really bad and would like to reach out to him or her. Oh who am I kidding, I'm referring to single moms. I can only think this would similarly relate to a single dad, but no guarantees. I shall endeavour to write a guide as to what to avoid and what to talk about.

a. Do not constantly call us single moms. Yes that's a fact, but so is the fact that you're ugly.  I don't keep telling you that every 5 minutes, do I?

b. Telling us to "just find someone else and be done with it" isn't going to endear you with anyone. Since when has finding someone been the answer to everything? That's even considering that I think I have a problem that needs solving in the first place. There are such things called friends, you know.

c. If I don't know you very well, please, do not poke and pry into my private life. If i feel like telling you why my marriage broke up I will. If you don't know me very well, don't ask.

d. Again, as stressed in another topic, just because we are divorced people does not mean we are desperate and longing to jump you, your partner or your ugly pimply brother. We have standards. Stop asking if I have had any illicit love affairs lately. Again, refer to (c)

e. Calling us hot mamas or milfs should be done VERY sparingly and jokingly. If I half believed that you mean it and I am not interested in reciprocating, be ready for your throat to be ripped out.

d. If you are a genuine friend and are interested to get to know me better, just spend time with me. Get to know me as a person. There are other facets in me besides the obvious label of a single mom

e. Offer companionship and an ear if needed, or a shoulder if you are close enough. That's appreciated.

f. Keep in touch often. We like to touch base with people that matters. If there's anything we've learnt from being divorced and single parenting, it's this. Time is much too short to be wasted on people that do not matter. If we keep in touch with you, it means we value you.

It may sound like a long list, but we single parents are very loyal. I repeat, once we think of you as our own people, we will fight tooth and nail for you.

xoxo

an open letter to other parents

Dear other single parents,


How do you parent? Do you flit between being both mother and father? Are you at your wits end when society doesn't hesitate to tell you that you do not fit into their normal 2.5 kids, nuclear family setup that they try to propagate everywhere? Do you find yourself overcompensating by bending over backwards and allowing things you wouldn't usually because of naysayers and "well meaning"perpetrators who tell you that you need to give the poor kid a break because you know, he or she is from a broken family?

I say, enough with all that crap. Seriously. I'm aware that every single parent has their own story to tell, some more drastic than others. Moving on, how do we bridge that gaping wound that life has left on us to move on as functional, even fantastic parents?

First, ignore everything that "society" has to say. Who the hell came up with the 2.5 kids nuclear family setup anyway? I have known enough dysfunctional relationships and families to know that it may not necessarily be the best setup.

Be brave. Trailblaze. You were obviously brave enough or circumstances made it so that you exited that marriage or relationship knowing that anything would have been better than staying in. Take some of that courage and apply it to parenting. You are the parent. You define what is best for your child and you. Have confidence in that and know that they are getting the best they can from your setup. The last thing you need is any trace of self doubt because your kid and of course "society" zooms right into that and you're toast before you know it.

If you can, get help. Domestic or otherwise. It's not that you are unable or unskilled for domestic chores, but having that all done will clear your schedule enough to focus on what is important. Yourself and your child. Do some minimal stuff so that your child will learn to as well.

Have a system in your life. The sooner you set up structures, the sooner things can go smooth and you don't need to pull your hair out as often. Have routines and rhythms for afterschool, weekends, anything and EVERYTHING. I'm saying this because I'm really particular about organising things, but hey, try it. It works. And the best thing is? You don't become bogey - parent anymore. Everyone agreed to the structure, so just follow it. Anyone who's yelled at their kids to hurry the hell up for the umpteenth time while they are daydreaming away will relate to this.

Have fun. Like it or not, you are obviously stuck with the necessary stuff like doctors visits, school runs, tuitions, games, DISCIPLINING, etc etc. Don't end up the resentful, boring parent. Make it a point to enjoy outings, trips and just fun times with your kid. Yes, they are essential. They won't remember the thousands of times you drove them to tuition, but dancing in the rain, colouring with crayons and story telling they will. Make it a part of your family.

How do you parent? Share some thoughts.

Hating the ex

I used to have a lot of black thoughts, undisguised disgust and vitriolic filth when it comes to my ex. He was my achilles heel. He was the one that failed me, that failed our marriage and did not have the requisite parts of anatomy it took to make the marriage successful. He did not fulfil the promises he made to me at the start of our marriage when I had threatened to annul it. I was annoyed enough to try to avoid being in the same city as he is, not going to the places where he has a retail presence just to avoid spoiling my mood. 

I could not understand it when a few good friends of mine told me that I had a lot of baggage I needed to dispose of, in order to be free and move on. I was in denial, I looked at myself and thought, well I've done so much in these couple of years, achieved so much, What baggage are you talking about? I tried reflecting, I did. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out what they meant.

Now I do.

For as long as he was 'bogeyman' in my mind, I would never be free to walk on. And please, it's been near to 7 years now. He's obviously moved on with a new partner. It's about time I did too. And in order to get into the right frame of mind, skeletons have to be laid to rest first.

I finally had a chat with him last weekend about us having moved down here, and what to do with some outstanding admin stuff for the divorce. Surprisingly he took it very well so I was encouraged. You see, many times, we allow the bogeyman in our heads to grow and grow until he's insurmountable. I say, just keep a positive attitude and face it. It will work out. Even though it might not work out straightaway, as long as you keep on chipping at it, eventually it will go. Like stubborn stains and bleach...

Now, I look at him just as another human being who's made some mistakes. I recognise my contribution to the demise of the relationship and vow not to make the same mistakes the next time I am in a relationship. Now I am happy to live and let live. The waves have crested and the sea is now calm.

It's taken me almost 7 years to come to this point. How do other people just move on from one to another just like that?

Headspace

We all need some time to think, reflect and brainstorm. It has been invaluable to me in the past year of change. When things around you are crumbling down, if you don't get away and just be for a while, you go insane. I also think that that is the time where you are relaxed and good ideas will flow.

Buddhism encourages meditation. That could very well be my next step. But until I feel ready to do it, I shall do it my way and call it headspace. It should theoretically be a time where you can be alone, alcohol optional and just let the floodgates open.

Reflection is very important. Take the time to have checkpoints to make sure you are heading towards the right direction. Sometimes it helps to ensure that you are still the same person you thought you were. Time and circumstances change people. You don't want to wake up one morning and realise that you've morphed into someone that you don't like. Very often all this nonsense about getting out there, acquiring more assets, climbing the corporate ladder faster than the person next to you will do that to you. Remember Scrooge?

I recently had to make a daytrip back to my hometown Ipoh for some admin stuff. I was dreading it at first, not being used to doing 3-4 hour drives in a day, but what do you know? It was great! I felt great! Popped a cd in and chilled all the way. I think when you have been driving as long as I have, you go on auto-drive in your mind and just be. Your mind is freed and just floats around. The ideas and thoughts that come out are bloody invaluable. In fact, the ideas that I got about my career were those that you can't expect to force out from a brainstorm session! I encourage solitary drives! It's excellent for stimulating brain juice!! Forget the expensive retreats in other countries. Good old north-south highway does equally well. Just be mindful of your speed as to not to contribute to the financial wellbeing of the you know whos.

I told someone lately, it's good to do a mindmap once every year or so. It organises your thoughts and helps you put them on paper.  But the excellent thing is when you look back at your old mindmap a few months later, and tick everything off, the feeling is indescribable! Mindmaps are what was taught to us in university. But of course now you can take courses to teach you how to do it. I say, get a huge piece of paper, some coloured pens and let it rip. You'd be surprised at what comes up.

Overriding authority

After much discussion with my friends that are parents around me, this is apparently a prominent problem. All young families have problems when grandparents choose to get involved in the disciplining of kids. Suddenly, he or she who used to wield the cane like a sword and the dragon lady that could be heard a mile away yelling your name ( the more complete your name, the more trouble you are in) have morphed into these cuddly little teddy bears.

It's suddenly OK for the small ones to consume vast quantities of sweets before dinner, watch tv all day long, not do homework, answer back.. that's all fine. Woe betide the parent who dares to utter a stern word in front of the grandparents. The small ones pick it up just as quickly as well. Once they discover there's a higher power that can override their parents, that's it. You are in for a ride!

My son discovered a long time ago that he would be safe not to try and I'm proud of that. When I am disciplining him for whatever crime he has committed, he stands there and takes what punishment I decide to dish out. I can see my mom making puppy dog eyes from the corner, holding her hands open for him to run to, but he's always been smart enough not to go.

I feel sorry for the parents that have to put up with that. I'm pretty sure that after a while they learn to discipline in private. Grandparents should really just learn their boundaries and not try to butt in too much. That makes things easier all around. At the very least it means that any time spent between grandchild and grandparents would be fun all the way.

Children from divorced families mature faster than average

Without the completeness of both a father and a mother around, most children tend to step up and fill the absent parent's role in the family. Now, I am no family psychologist nor have there been exhaustive research done on this, but it's just what I have observed in families around me. 

My son fulfils my need for affection and love very well. He senses that we are somehow different from other families but I would like to think that since the divorce happened when he was a babe in arms, he has not been too deeply traumatised. Seriously, better this than his earliest memories being mom and dad yelling at each other all the time. He never shies away from a hug or a kiss, he's more than willing to cuddle up next to me to watch tv. In fact, with him around, I feel complete. Obviously he comes up with gems sometimes that I just need to post... 

We were in a changing room last week and I was doing the saturday night fever dance. He rolls his eyes, looks at me and says, mom, you know that this changing room is semi transparent right? People can sorta see you dancing from out there. Hahahahaha... I thought that was really cool coming from a 9 year old. Maybe I'm the one that's regressing to childhood here, but he seems more adult by the day. I miss my little baby.

In contrast, I look at his friends, and even my nephews and they seem so kiddish. Now I can start doubting myself and wonder if I'm depriving him of a proper stressfree childhood, but neh... No thanks to that. I say we just chose the path less travelled, and we're having a hell of a great time skipping and prancing down it. 

Fabulosity indeed.

My thoughts on relationships

What are we all searching for anyway?

At this stage in my life, I honestly don't know. Experiences? Physical only or falling in love? The whole shebang? Over the past 8 months I know I have had no headspace to even consider dating. Not that I was beating anyone off with a stick, but I just had too many things on my plate to sort out and I wasn't in a good frame of mind.

Fast forward to now, happily settled in my own little abode, I believe I have a bit of headspace to consider that it might be nice to start dating again. I've been so out of touch with the dating world for the last I don't know how many years. I don't even know what is de rigeur anymore.

You know what, I'm not going to overthink this. Forget it. Buddhism teaches me to only make a positive influence in the life of every being I come across. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, or if the other person has issues. What is important is I can give. I will endeavour to leave a spark in the life of everyone I come across.  Life goes on... fabulously. If anyone wants to join me on my journey, then I'll worry about it. Until then, to steal a line from Kimora Lee ... live a life of fabulosity! Doesn't matter if you are single or attached, you ARE fabulous!

Buddhism and the single mother

I've always been a buddhist, growing up in a typical taoist chinese malaysian family. Being the inquisitive person I was, I kept  asking about the meanings of certain rituals and rites performed  throughout the year as well as important life events. I was never satisfied with the answer I was given, thus I pretty much didn't think too much about it until I got into university and being exposed to critical thinking and reasoning, I started reading up on buddhism.

The paradoxical themes of the religion confused me and I left it at that. I started getting to know the religion again this year after my move to this city. I found a little temple that placed emphasis on meditation, talks, self cultivation and decided to throw myself into it. I've never looked back since.

I can now say it is a way of my life. I listen to buddhism talks almost daily and inevitably, it never fails to calm me and add space to the crowded thoughts in my head. I've seen my road rage reduced to a very occasional swearing. I don't even flip the bird at others anymore. It's mainly learning to let go. It has helped me tremendously.

Being in the situation I am in at the moment, a single mom, with enough dysfunctional family problems would have and should have driven many a normal person up the wall. I believe I am handling it very well, interspersed with minimal periods of depression and I believe it's because of my exposure to buddhism that has made this difference.

Buddhism teaches you that you don't need to be angry at circumstances. Let it go. Be it a great love, a horrible marriage, dysfunctional parents, siblings good and bad, there are all here to teach us a lesson. Live it the best we can, and then let go.

We are each responsible for our own happiness and frame of mind. Other people to a certain extend will influence it, but how much and how deep are the factors we have the keys to. I think I can say that I've found my inner peace in the 8 months I've been in here. It has affected almost everything that I say and do nowadays. I find it so much easier and lighter to just me. When you don't have to blame others, or yourself, life becomes much enjoyable. Once we are happier, we can then lend a hand to helping others. I look at it as an upward spiral. It only gets better.

Thoughts on single parenting

Parenting...

I look at my son and I don't feel the least like I've deprived him of a solid nuclear family. I believe that its best this way, with no acrimony between his parents. I've strived to give him the best I can all these years and I think he is doing just fine. I've never raised him to feel like we are broken, or inadequate in any way. We have lived fabulously so far, and intend to continue doing so.

On another note, isn't it amazing how anal you can get as a first time mom? Heaven's sake I remember being obsessed to the point of cooking every meal that he had, spending ALL my time with him, being really particular about what I read to him, what he wore etc etc. Thank god I've relaxed since then. It's way better being a beta mom instead of an alpha. I think you can get away with being an alpha mom when there's a hubby to play good cop, bad cop with. With me alone? I'm gonna seem bipolar man!

That said.. we never know if 30 years down the road he's going to be sitting in a psychiatrist office and go.. if only i wasn't from a broken family... LOL

A relationship list

Relationships...

I had a recent encounter lately that got me thinking about how I view relationships and how different it is from your regular single person.

Obviously being a divorced mom gives you different insights into the whole relationship thing.
a. We've been there and done that.. there's no rush
b. We've been in pain before... we realise that no relationship is preferable to being in a screwy one.
c. My child is an absolute in my life. If you have an issue with it, its YOUR issue. Deal with it
d. It's nice to be able to sit back and chill for a while whilst someone else takes the reins for a while.
e. That said, when we accept you as one of our own, we will fight tooth and nail for you against the world.
f. Being a divorced mom doesn't mean I'm ready to jump anything that's male or married. We still have standards you know.
g. We don't like to play games. We don't have the time!! Call a spade a spade and if you're interested, good. If not, so be it. Don't waste my time, yeah?

All that said.. at the end of the day I still keep the hope that one day I will meet someone nice enough to let into my life. But before that, I'm making darned sure I can still enjoy every single bit of my life, every day, every moment.

The starting of a cordial relationship with the ex

Last weekend I met up with my exhusband and told him I had moved to his city with our son and for the first time, we had a good long talk about how the future beckons. He seems happy to hear about our recent developments and we are hoping that this marks the starting of a better relationship between all of us.

He seemed genuinely concerned and asked if there was anything that we required and needed. I'm glad that its turned out this way. I feel that many times we overemphasize the demons we have in our minds and dread things. In actual fact, when taken with a pinch of salt and a positive attitude, it can be surprisingly good.

I am staying positive about this. The next day we met up for brunch and it was uncomfortable to say the least. The last time I was in his car was immediately after we had signed the divorce papers. I think we were all feeling awkward and uncomfortable about it. The boy reacted and decided to chuck a fit at some little things. I bet you all of us wanted to chuck a fit then too.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. It is awkward being with my ex, but I am learning to conduct a more mature, adult relationship with the father of my child who looks like he's set to me a more regular presence in our lives.

at the beginning

This blog is my way of sharing my thoughts on balancing single parenthood fabulously. I'm new to blogging, so kindly excuse the amateurish setup. I've been a single mom since the start of 2007 and it has been one hell of a journey so far.

I've had no regrets so far on my life and the decisions that i've made. I walk every day with optimism, hope and joy, with the hope that I can provide a solid childhood for my son. I'm a bit of a multi tasker, I parent my way, with lots of love, support and good food.

Come along with me on this road less travelled and partake in my joys and sorrows and many many thoughts of being a single mom in KL city, Malaysia.